Patience, Habits, and the Magic Formula

“A person is said to be patient because he acts in a praiseworthy manner by enduring things which hurt him here and now and is not unduly saddened by them.”—St. Thomas Aquinas

“The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”—Thomas Edison, failed to invent the commercial light bulb 2,774 times

“100 bad days make 100 good stories.” —AJR

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Introduction

On Monday, Naïve Genevieve planted ten tomato seeds in her garden. She couldn’t wait to enjoy home grown tomatoes.

On Tuesday she looked for tomatoes and was surprised she didn’t even have any plants yet. She watered extra to encourage the seeds to sprout.

On Wednesday, she checked again and still no plants. Now she began to worry:

+ Were the seeds dormant?

+ Worse, had the man at the seed store tricked her somehow?

+ Maybe the soil was inadequate for growing tomatoes.

+ Then again, the weather might be too hot… or too cold.

+ No, she had definitely under-watered on Monday… and over-watered on Tuesday.

+ Yes, that was it. Perhaps she was just no good at gardening.

+ Ah, why was she so stupid? …Why did she ALWAYS do this, think she could do something and then fail?

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We’ve All Been There

Step 1: We start a good habit.

Step 2: We get “poor results.”

Step 3: We stop the good habit and tell ourselves a story (almost always a story of self-blame).

But what is actually to blame for the “poor results” of our new habits? Our “stupid” expectations.

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Expectations, Friend and Foe

As we’ve talked about before, hope is the fuel for good habits. If we didn’t expect a new habit to improve our life, we’d never start it.

An expectation has two parts. It isn’t only made up of a result. It’s also made up of time. When do I get the result I’m after? It’s this second aspect of expectation that led Naïve Genevieve to give up on her seeds… and call herself stupid.

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Life Is NOT a Straight Line

You might be the exception, but most people’s expectations are linear. You put in time and energy and you get a result, kind of like walking.

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This chart is neat and tidy and gives us a sense of control. It is also, by and large, a myth. Why? 3 reasons.

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1. Habits Are Cumulative (aka Deceptive)

When we replace a bad habit with a good one (or a good one with a better one), that previous habit still has us moving in a particular direction. Think about steering a boat. Yes, you’ve turned the wheel, but the momentum is still pushing the boat in its old direction, so rather than a straight line, your progress looks more like:

That shaded section is what James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, calls the Zone of Delusion. From the beginning of our new habit, we are getting better, but the results are slower than we expect -  until they aren’t. If we stick with it, there comes a point when our results go beyond what we expect. If we quit during the zone of delusion, it’s because we’re deceived. The results are coming… if we’d just wait for them.

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2. The Training Effect

Donna started doing static contraction training (SCT) after being diagnosed with pre-osteoporosis.  Unlike weightlifting with its reps and sets and equipment, SCT involves pushing against an immovable object like a wall for 4-10 seconds. 1 rep. 1 set. Firing every muscle fiber you can. That’s it.

After her first week, Donna’s trainer started having her skip days. It was NOT because she was sore or tired, rather after such intense stimulus, her muscles need time to repair, then grow. Her results looked like this:

During recovery phase, Donna was weaker than before, but as her body built her muscles (and bones), she grew stronger. She just needed to let her body heal, just like we all do when we’re training.

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3. Breakthroughs Are Real

One week after giving up on her tomato seeds, Genevieve noticed ten bumps in the soil. Her seeds had sprouted. With renewed enthusiasm she watered them. And waited. And waited. And waited. She did not get to eat her first tomato until 100 days after she’d planted her seeds.

She wasn’t a failure. She wasn’t stupid. Nobody had tricked her.

Seeds take time to sprout. Plants take time to grow.

Her results looked like this:

Nothing for 99 days. Then on day 100 a rich harvest, all the tomatoes she could want… and they were delicious.

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A “Magic” Formula

Here’s a question: How many times do you let your child try to walk before you say, “Sorry, kid. You can’t do it. You’ve failed. You’ll never be able to walk. You’re just not a walker. You’re one of those crawl-only people”?

Crazy, right? You’d never say that to your child. But would you say it to yourself?

+ I can never start my own business. I’m no businesswoman.

+ It’s too late for me to learn the piano. I’m not musical enough anyway.

+ I can’t do public speaking. I’m too shy.

+ What? Did I think I’d become some great mystic if I prayed every day?

If we patiently talked to ourselves the way we talk to our kids, we’d say something like: “Look at you! Wow. That was so close. You almost had it. Ready to try again? Ok, here we go. You CAN do this.

Because deep down somewhere, we all know the Magic Formula: Keep. Trying. Until.

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Conclusion

Never, ever, ever give up. Starting a new habit is hard, requiring time and energy. Continuing a new habit in the face of dashed expectations is harder. Often our expectations are unrealistically high in the short-term AND unrealistically low in the long-term. Life is not linear. There are bumps and jumps and lag-time. If you push through those tough times, you can do pretty much anything any other human has done and a handful of things no one has ever done if you follow the magic formula: Keep. Trying. Until.

If you’ve found this useful and are looking for a way to put it into practice, here’s a worksheet you can try.

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