Thank God for [Bad] Old Habits

Introduction

Bad Habits. We’ve all got them. We all don’t like them. We all have tried to change them… And we’ve all failed. But why do we fail ?

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Sherry’s Nail-Biting

Sherry was an incredibly successful businesswoman who had one  habit she couldn’t shake: nail-biting. One day, we sat down for a chat

‍Me: You know that nail-biting thing you do? I think there’s some good in there.

Sherry: What are you talking about? No way. Biting my nails is all bad.

Me: Really? Then why do you do it?...

Sherry: I don’t know.

Me: It must give you something…

Sherry: Well, I mostly do it when I’m nervous.

Me: And it calms you down?...

Sherry: No... I think it heightens my focus on what’s going on.

Me: I can see that. The physical stimulation wakes up your brain, particularly when you need it the most.

Sherry: Exactly.

Me: So, what we really need is a strategy to help you focus.

Sherry: I never thought of that .

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Problems and Real Problems

The habits we label as “bad” are not our problem. They are a symptom of an underlying condition: our quest for some (often unknown) good. We all seek good in all we do - and different parts of us seek different goods. Sherry’s nail-biting was protecting her in difficult situations by keeping her mind sharp. Who knows how much of Sherry’s success was directly a result of her sharpened mind? What an incredible gift. And what an incredible discovery.

‍The good she was seeking in her old habit

became

the foundation of her new habit.

Still, it made her feel embarrassed and ugly. Yuck. It  was time to find a better way. So, we decided to try something called the SCORE scaffold.

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SCORE

SCORE is an acronym for a 5-step process: Symptom, Cause, Outcome, Resources, Exit.

Here’s what it looks like in Sherry’s nail-biting habit example:

1. Name the Symptom: Nail-biting

2. Identify the Cause: Protecting herself in difficult situations

3. Define the Desired Outcome: Engage in a new habit that gives all the upside of nail-biting and maybe even more focus with less (possibly even zero) downside.

4. Discover Resources: See below.

5. Find the Exit: Test different strategies until Sherry finds one or more that work for her. Then celebrate: “Yay Sherry! You did it!”

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Discovering Resources… And Failing Forward

To discover strategies to help her focus, Sherry turned to an ubiquitous  expert: the internet. She decided to buy herself a fidget spinner like those often used by individuals diagnosed with ADHD. Guess what happened? Spinner in one hand, Sherry bit the nails on her other hand. Epic fail! But wait - she never bit the nails of the hand with the spinner in it. Partial success.

Sherry decided to buy a second spinner. Now with both hands occupied there was no way she’d bite her nails, right? Right. She bit her tongue instead. Ouch! Another failure. Or was it? She at least wasn’t biting her nails. In a very short time, she’d eliminated a 40-year old “bad” habit. But Sherry wanted more. She wanted a pain-free mouth.

Sherry decided to try chewing gum. The gum made her feel embarrassed and childish as people noticed. Bummer! But what if she only chewed a half-piece… or even less?

Sherry became a Gum Magician. Yes, she chewed regularly, but no one noticed because she was so good at hiding it. This had the side benefit of giving Sherry a boost of confidence  because she knew something the other person didn’t.

Then there were some face-to-face meetings where Sherry couldn’t employ her spinners as there was no desk or table to hide them. She didn’t bite her nails, but the urge for stimulation was there. She developed a method of finger tapping, sequentially pressing her thumbs against the other fingers of each hand. It worked!

She also discovered that she was never tempted during meals - until the food was gone and the conversation deepened. However, she soon learned to sneak out her spinners and pop in a bit of gum during a trip to the ladies’ room. She did it! Yes! No more nasty nails. No more embarrassment.

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Take Your Own Journey

Ahh, but we’re not here to talk about Sherry. We’re here to talk about you. You know that old habit you’ve been struggling with for years? You know, the one you try to hide? Or maybe that you’ve stopped hiding because you’ve decided it’s just part of who you are? The one that causes you so much guilt and shame? The one that no matter what you try, nothing seems to help? Perhaps it’s time to SCORE it:

1. Symptom: A bad old habit I’ve struggled with is ________________________________

2. Cause: The good I’m seeking there is ________________________________

OR the bad I’m trying to get out of is ________________________________

3. Outcome: I will do whatever it takes to develop a habit that will give me ________________________________ as much or more than my old habit without the downside of ________________________________

4. Resources: I could try ________________________________

5. Exit: It wasn’t easy, but after some trial and error, I did it! Yes!!

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Conclusion

We don’t need to demonize them to replace our old habits. We do need to thank God for them because they’ve gotten us where we are today. And we can choose to break free if we’re willing to discover what motivates our behavior. What is the good you’re looking for? Figure that out, and you can find new pathways for getting there, pathways that perhaps have even more upside and a lot less downside. When you discover the truth about your motivations, it will set you free… and you will be free indeed. Thanks be to God.

For those of you who want a printable worksheet on the SCORE Scaffold, you can find that here.

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